*Warning* This blog is ridiculously long and probably only interesting to anyone wondering why I'm such a grouch lately. Just so you know. I promise I'll post something less depressing soon to make up for it.
I talk a lot, so I know it's hard for people to understand that I really don't verbalize anything about big problems very often. When I do talk about them, it's usually to downplay the situation, offer up humor about it, or let someone know just enough that they understand what's going on. Rarely do I share how it makes me feel or what the problem actually is. Today I'm offering a glimpse into what my life is like right now for the third reason I gave: to help you understand why I may seem a bit crazy right now. This isn't a comprehensive list, and some of the "big stuff" has been left off simply because it's not something I want to share.
First off, most of you know we're currently dealing with the fact that my parents home was blown away by a tornado. The only house I remember living in with them is gone. My Mom's wedding china is gone, along with a lot of their other belongings. A lot of things I was saving in hopes I could give them to my daughter some day are gone forever. It's hard to describe the feelings that go along with all this. From the outside it's easy to say "at least everyone's unhurt." Yes, that is an awesome thing, but there's also a whole mess of weird feelings that come in the aftermath that could definitely make life suck if you let them. (Not saying anyone is letting them. Just saying that those feelings exist. I know a lot of people on Mom and Dad's street are struggling even more)
Now for something that not everyone knows. A friend of mine died in the Chickasha tornado and I'm having trouble coming to grips with that. I keep expecting her to get on Facebook and say "just kidding guys!" When an elderly family member or an acquaintance from church dies, I can have peace about it. When a friend who didn't share my belief in the Savior dies it's incredibly hard to find any peace about it.
My stomach literally hurts all the time. When I wake up in the morning there's always a sense of dread because the moment I stand up the pain hits. Motivating myself to do anything but lay in bed is becoming harder. I know it's mostly "stress-related," but how do you reduce the stress causing the problem when there's no way you can block out everything occurring lately?
Things don't always turn out the way I'd planned. Actually, they never do. I know that ultimately that's a great thing, but right now we're in the middle of things that I never planned because they totally suck. A lot of the things I haven't mentioned are smaller than those I've listed and some of them are even bigger. The result of all this is that I'm constantly tired, stressed out, and grouchy. It's a daily struggle to not snap at people and it's hard to look interested in things that used to be fun for me. I'm so blessed to have a family that rallies so well in hard times. Especially Shaun. He's my rock, and I also think he's the keeper of my sanity. God has given me an amazing support system.
Love you, Amber!
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